If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
