I heard we made out
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
