Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
this beer tastes like vomit already
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
