tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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