He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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