Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Randomize
