butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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