I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
