I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
did you just send me my own nude
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
