shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
