Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
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