He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
