Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
