We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
