So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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