who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize