kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
We have started to decorate penises.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
