Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
You don't make any sense
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