Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Actions speak louder than pants.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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