my phone needs a breathalizer
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
