i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
