My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
