Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
