She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
