He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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