My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
