I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
