i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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