Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
