WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
