thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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