When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
