Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
