I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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