I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
