Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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