Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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