i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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