Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
