Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
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