Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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