The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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