3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
