I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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