take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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