maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
