when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
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