I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
