please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
