I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
