I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
