I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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