so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
it hurts more in the daytime
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
