I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
This is classic penis vs brain.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
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