THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
don't judge my taste in strippers
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
