Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Randomize
